When I looked for good, the evil came unto me; and when I waited for light, there came darkness. Job 30:26

I just don't understand anything anymore, don't know how to live my life anymore...haiz....

Perfect verse to sum up the pass 3 months and it might seem so sum up my whole life also...

Haiz.............what's the point in trusting so much...what's the point in putting your everthing into something when it can just sudently crumble out of nowhere without a logical reason...haiz........

When you're gone,
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone,
The face I came to know is missing too,
When you're gone,
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

I'm sorry I didn't mean to call
But I couldn't fight it
I guess I was weak and couldn't even hide it
And so I surrender just to hear your voice
I know how many times I said I'm gonna to live with out you
And maybe someone else is standing there beside you
But there's something baby that you need to know

That deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.
Baby, give me back my fantasies
The courage that I need to live
The air that I breathe
Living without you, my world becomes so empty
My day's are so cold and lonely
And each night I taste
The purest of pain.

I wish I could tell you I'm feeling better every day
That it didn't hurt me when you walked away
But to tell you the truth I can't find my way
And deep inside me I feel like I'm dying
I have to see you it's all that I'm asking.

Every night I taste the purest of pain would be an understatement for the truth will be that every second the pain just increse...haiz.........

Back in KL...back to class in 2 hours...haiz...what's the point for striving so hard for something when you lose yourself and everything else that matters in the process?

Haiz...I just can't stop thinking of you no matter what I do. Everything I do just reminds me of you...haiz...wonder if you're even reading this or not. There's nothing for me to look forward to now. The future is just one big black dark brick wall. You used to be my becon of hope, my light at the end of every tunnel I was going through, now there is nothing. Life has no more meaning other then getting an education and earning money and waiting for the day I die. Don't even think death will solve all this problems for I don't even know what's gonna happend after I die. Maybe God has already cursed me for life.

Perhaps I should just get out of KL and go study at somewhere far far away. To start life anew. Studying in KL just has no more meaning. Feeling so helpless now...something I put my all in and it seemed like so real even when there was problems along the way but we made it through. Now it has been forcefully taken away from me and is forcing me to forget everything that I worked for like it didn't even exist.

When I try to please God, this is what I get. I get screwed up all of a suddent. I try to please God in our relationship and things just gets worse and worse. So what's the point now? I know I'm not perfect, I'm still human, I still make mistakes but what did I do so wrong to derserve this shit? All I wanted to do was give all the love and care I can to you unconditionally and please God in our relationship by looking more to Him in our daily walk but all that turned out was I get kicked around by both you and God. Just one time I was moody I get the boot.

All my life I really prayed for someone like you. Someone who would love me, care about me, and appericiates me. I know I'm difficult at times, I thank you for being there when I was difficult. But do you really see and understand what I was going through or it was just the right thing to do at that time. I gave you priority in almost everything, I tried my best to give you the best and be the best boyfried to you because I belived with all my heart that we can do it and God is there with us. Guess all this are just wishful thinking and I was building castles in the sky. Dreams don't come true, prayers don't get answered, and wishing upon a star is just a grand-mother's story.

Its not I want to be this way ok...I can't just let go and carry on with everything that is going on and everything that has been. The puzzle just don't fit. You were the one that made it fit. The Almighty who so called holds my life in His hands, who does the puzzle made you the connecting factor so I thought. Probably the only way to really move on is to throw away everything and start life anew which is throwing away you and God but I just can't bring myself to do it, especially forgetting you. I just can't throw away something that ment so much and really gave meaning to my life. I don't know if you noticed but after I screwed A-levels I really don't know what to do. I know I looked confident at times it was because there was you by my side who kept me from breaking down. Haiz...

Going back to KL tomorrow then off to Ipoh on Saturday for Sunday school teacher's retreat. Don't really want to go back to KL...don't know what I'm going back to. Everything just have no more meaning anymore. The two reasons I live for just stab me in the back. Haiz...I just don't know what to live for now. My life is just so empty...guess its just the way its ment to be...live everyday and see what comes where everything just don't mean anything.

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

Recently I have been reading this book - Malaysia And The Club OF Doom by Syed Akbar Ali, and came across a really interesting statement.

"Success comes in two parts - applying science in large quantities and getting rid of foolish religious practices."

I kinda find this statement quite true and it quite explains what I've been saying about Christianity and so on. Just a thought...

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldn't you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you just don't care at all

Do you expect me to believe I was the only one to fall?
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even though you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

It's not supposed to feel this way
I need you, I need you
More and more each day
It's not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, I need you, I need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever?
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we're not saying
Let's play, a different game than what we're playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe I'm gonna let us fall apart?
I can feel, I can feel you near me, even when you're far away
I can feel, I can feel you baby, why

Haiz...what did I do to deserve this?

I'm sorry I care about you until I nag and be protective.
I'm sorry I nag at you to drink water because your lips are always craking.
I'm sorry I was protective because I don't trust the people around you and you know what they did before.
I'm sorry that I try to take you out for good food and take you to whatever you want to eat but you think its just dinner.
I'm sorry that I made you think that sending you home was really important but it is to me because I care about you and don't want you to so mafan take the LRT home.
I'm sorry that I hold on to so much that you say but to you its just the right thing to say at that time.
I'm sorry I was moody and went to look for you to have lunch and you think I want you to be moody also because I was moody.
I'm sorry that I didn't notice that you were getting bored of me because your friends were like more happening to you.
I'm sorry I hold on so much to us and put so much effort is us but to you everything you did was just the right thing to do and don't mean anything.

Maybe you just want me to say this...I'm sorry for wasting 4 years 4 months and 14 days of your life...

Arloe...went out shopping today. Bought a laptop cooler which also works as a usb hub and card reader at Landmark mall so killed 2 birds with one stone. Anyway Landmark mall sucks, really dissapointing. Suppose to be the Sim Lim or Low Yat of JB but its like so dead. Bought a shirt and book titled 'Malaysia And The Club Of Doom' at City Square. Last but not least...I bought my 1st pair of fake Adidas!!! Its pure white, ment for college. So what the hell just wear it, don't need to spend so much.





Keep thinking of you the whole day...haiz...

Yeap...I got fake Adidas...hrmmm...

Hrmmm...if there is a reason to everything, if God has a plan, then why is there nothing revealed? When you're at your lowest point and breaking down God still keeps silent. I search and search but no answer. held onto promises in His Word, prayed till I broke down and just cry but things just got worse and worse. So what's the point? If His plan is so mysterious, then why should I continue searching? It seems like when I go heaven only He will answer. So what's the point? I'll be like wasting my whole life on shit like it seems like I wasted 4 years of my fucked up life. Guess believing is God is just a passport to heaven. Its just such a waste of time searching and searching when even at your most needed time He seems like screwing you more.

I guess the only promise that we can really hold on to is that our salvation will never be taken away from us no matter what we do. So I really don't see a point in searching and wasting my time. There is also so much more I can do on Sunday mornings like studying, sleeping in, or playing football. I can even watch the last night games on Saturday night. Life will be so much more satisfiying like that rather then searching for something that is so mysterious until after we're dead only we get the answer.

I said lets talk about it
As she walked out on me and slammed the door
But I just laugh about it
'Cause she's always playin' those games
Deep down I know she loves me
But she's got a funny way of showin' me how she cares

Sometimes its black
Sometimes its white
Sometimes she's wrong
Sometimes I'm right
Sometimes we talk about it
Or we figure it out
But then she'll just change her mind
Sometimes she's hot
Sometimes I'm cold
Somtimes my head wants to explode
But when I think about itI'm so in love with her
Every other time

Sometimes we sit around
Just the two of us on the park bench
Sometimes we swim around
Like the dolphins in the ocean of our hearts

Haiz.........................................................................

To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked, when you're down
Feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
And you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Haiz.......................................................................

Fucked up life......

I hear your taking the town again
Having a good time
With all your good time time friends
I don't think that you think of me
Your on your own now
And i'm alone and free

I know that I should get on with my life
But a life live without you could never be right

As long as the stars shine down from the heaven
As long as the river run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me

I tried to smile so the hurt won't show
Tell everybody I was glad to see you go
But the tears just won't go away
Loneliness found me looks like its here to stay

I know that I ought to find someone new
But all I found is my self always thinking of you

As long as the stars shine down from the heaven
As long as the river run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me

Oh no matter what I do
Each nights a life time to live through
I can't go on like this
I need your touch
Your the only one I ever loved

You say I should get on with my life, you said that I still had 1% in your heart and in the future you will ask how I am. All I hear is talk. Maybe that was the right thing to say at that time right as what all we've done was just the right thing to do. No love, no meaning, no nothing to you. Its was just the right thing to do. You could go say that nothing matters, those 4 years don't mean a thing, so that was what you saw in us? 4 years and you can say this. You were like waiting for me to screw up so you could use it as an excuse to break up right, was your heart ever in those 4 years? It just seems like I'm the guy who is there when you're bored, when you have nobody else. Ever since you started college it was like you put your friends over me. I know they more happening, so guess its all just a game to you, you got bored with me so go cari others. I thought you were niave because you didn't have much friends when you came KL untill college so I let you be. Didn't know they were more important. During the holidays you can complain about them same class again. Barely 1 month into the semester I just said something about them you defend them like I'm all wrong. Guess you have just became one of them, no matter now you deny it. I know you were busy with your work, that's why I didn't disturb you when you were doing your work. I waited untill almost going to sleep only I chat with you because you were doing work but at the same time you can chat with your friends like so free. Talk about work with them, seems like more then just talking about work.

So guess I was just there when you're bored lar...when you're not really close with them. You could even say it's just a photo when I got upset to see guys whom I don't trust putting their hands on you when you take photo. No big deal right, it was just my fault making a big deal about it right? So I should just get close to other girls last time and purposely make you jealous lar...haiz....wasted. Maybe you're just bored of being close to one guy and you wanted guys, so guess you're having the time of your life now. Oh yeah...congrats on your acting that made everything seem ok already and seem so right untill so suddent you dropped the bomb. I really believed that things were finally picking up. Guess you enjoyed watching me crash and burn. Did you ever feel hurt, maybe 2 days then you thrown me out like a used towel. You say I don't seem like want you back but just want you to hurt and take revenge. I it was so I won't put myself through so much shit, I would just screw you and watch you burn and enjoy the scene. Haiz...

I hate you, but I love you, I can't stop thinking of you...

How do you expect me to put my faith in God when everything is so shitty? Abraham had Sarah together with him when God called him to go here and there, Noah had his whole family with him, what do I have? People who thinks they understand and friends who seem to care but don't really understand what I'm going through? Talk is very easy, obviously I can talk also if anyone was in the same sitiuation as me.

At the most crucial time of my life, God took her away. How great is that? The person who understands most was taken away without a logical reason, so suddent. I had shit in my life many times, but I had faith, so I thought because there was a becon of hope there for me. Now it's just nothing, total nothing. Learn to let go, get over it, seems so easy to say but do you all really know what I'm fucking going through? You could even say all those you did was because 'it was the right thing to do' and don't mean anything.

Oh yeah...to all those who read and wanna comment on my language then its too bad. If who all seem so 'spiritual' you would know a sin is a sin no matter how big or small it seems to God. A lie no matter if it was a white lie is still a lie to God. So 'shit', 'basket', 'stupid', 'fuck', or any other words you use to curse when shit happends is on the same rank.

Haiz...so what's the meaning of patience and toleration? How much can a person be patient and tolerate shit? So as 'christians' we're suppose to tolerate and be patient when people screw us up and let people walk over us? Should we turn the other cheek? Why not just let them whack all of us and not just the other cheek?

So all my life I have been being very patient and tolerent of other people's shit for I know my temper is very very bad. I tried to avoid confict, kept my cool, tried not to think about it, and the result I get...people stepping all over me. How great and 'christian-like' is that? After all the tolerance and being patient God just decided to test me more and screwing up my life rather then blessing. *clap clap*

So am I suppose to let people step all over me? It really seems like it though. All through my life from the day I could talk until now it seemed like I'm not suppose to let my temper show and be the 'happy guy' so people can release thier shit on me. Is that what everyone expects from me? So I have to tolerate people's shit but when I show my shit back I get screwed back even more like it was all my fault in the first place. WTF!!! So am I not suppose to have any feelings when people fuck me up? Is that what the Bible teaches? If its the trust then fuck it all!!! There's no point in beliving in it anymore.

Are we not suppose to question God when our life is fucked up? Are we not suppose to blame or be angry at God? Even Job was angry with God. He even cursed the day he was born. Maybe God truely could make mistakes, He made a mistake in my life by even creating me or even along His 'plan' for my life He miss-wrote something. I tried to keep my cool and avoid stupid things this few months because I know I will blow anytime but it seemed like a license for people to fuck me up and play on my nerves. When I'm quiet also wrong, when I speak my mind also wrong, so what the fuck you all want?!?? People might even seem to care at times but another minute seems different. Even the person who understands me the most stabs me in the back for no apperent reason and ingore me. So is this just another 'right thing to do' as you said what ever that we've done. Meaningless....just 'the right thing to do'. Guess I'm just curse for life. God indeed must hate me n cursed me for eternity....*praise the Lord*

You don't know me,
You don't even care.
You don't know me,
You don't wear my chains.

Was just looking back at all my previous blog post. Was shocking to see the fact that I was so sure and confident in God. Maybe that was due to the fact that when everything was going wrong there was still a very bright light to hold me up but that bright light now has been taken away, taken away at the worse time of my life. Everything seemed so fine and sudently it was lost...gone...argh!!!!!!

I am lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you're hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart
For times when my life seems so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you I
know you were right, believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that
I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh, so right

And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on?
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Hrmmm...what is Christianity? What is God? Reality or just an idea like any other religion? If God could give you something you ever wished and prayed for, a miracle, a dream come true but take it away at the moment you need it most, how loving and understanding is this God? He made you feel and think that everything was in His hands, prayers seemed answered, made everything seem so wonderful because He's there even when shit happends but for no apperent reason He takes it away at the most crucial moment. Hrmmm...

So why do we go to church? What is there in it for? Going to church now is like because I have been going all my freaking life and became like a habbit. There will be a nagging feeling if I don't go. It's like smoking becomes a habbit and if you don't smoke you feel bad. It would also dissapoint many people and especially my parents if I don't go. I mean there is so many churches, so many different practises, so many differnet ideas, and most of all so many grey areas. So who is right and who is wrong? Probrably its because of my christian upbringing that I still have this nagging feeling that prayer works and there is a God and my life is in God's hands. But its like super superficial anyway.

One of the fruits of the Spirit is patience. Patience is a very big word to take in. So does it mean when people is climbing all over us we have to be patient and just let it be? Should we go like 'God bless you' when someone screw us up for no apperent reason? I mean if christians should be patient and self-controlled, we should not participate in anything competative. Why participate in competative sports? Why participate in tournaments and quizzes? For example, like in a football game the refferee sucks, you complain about his decision but your elders just tell you to let it go. Let the decision go because were all christians playing among each other. So its ok even if we practised like shit and go lose unfairly. To top things up your church members and elders are even cheering for the opposition when you're team is losing. So I mean why practise so hard? Why train so hard for sports and quizzes to lose unfairly? Even your own elders don't stand up for you. Waste so much time preparing for a stupid quiz and when you lose unfairly you elders just keep quiet and let it be, just because 'its the christian way', 'we should be kind', 'we should not fight back'...blar blar blar...arghh....

So where to start...haiz...Do you belive in God? Is God really there or is He just an idea? Is it really God's work or is it just pure coincidence n luck/fate? If God's plans is so mysterious and can't even understand what is there to belive? Blind-faith?!?!? If you put all your trust in God and things just gets worse what's the pont? Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own uderstanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight". Sounds so comforting right....haiz....

Seriously when people ask me 'hows life?' 'hows life treating you?', I don't have a real answer. You know the saying when the time everything goes wrong everything else will eventually go wrong. God's will? Fate? Sometimes I even wonder if God is there or is He just lepaking with His angels. This might be a shock to some people to hear me saying this but this is how I feel now. Nothing fits together. Everything I read (including the Bible), everything I trust, and everything that has been going on just contridicts each other. So what's the point in trusting?

All my life I have been put down by people. Especially in my childhood days. I was always in my brother's shadow. I'm always known as 'Andrews's brother'. Was I suppose to be proud? One of the main reasons I choose to come to KL to study and not Singapore is because I wanted to really get out of my brother's shadow. I used to be bullied, called names. He didn't get any punishment until I retaliate and I get the punishment also. Where is the fairness in this freaking world. So eventually I learned to keep everything inside. Find other way to release the stress. It was ok at first but not a very good idea. Shit just will happend again.

So is that what everyone expects me to be? Someone always happy happy, keep quiet and don't retaliate when people walk over me scott free. I'm not expected to be angry is it or I'm not suppose to be angry at all and act like a robot without feelings when people step all over me? It just seems like when I keep my cool people just love to climb even higher over me. After my patience exceeds and I lose my cool I become the condemed instead of the person who wronged me. All those who does this to me don't act innocet, including my parents.

Anyway, I never felt appereciated my whole life until someone. All my life I prayed for someone like her. I thanked God for her. At all the points in my life, at the worse time He can take her away. I prayed, I begged, I fasted, I tried to make things better for God said that fait without works is dead. So what does it all ammount to? Things just go down hill, I crash and burn more. People told me this could be a spiritual battle. If it was the case and by the look of things, God lost hands down. He got served by the devil. I aint no Job, my faith is not as strong as Job, so stop telling me this could be like Job. People told me its in God plans. Guess He enjoys watching me crash and burn because He put it in His 'plan'. So if God's 'plan' is so mysterious and so hidden even when you're crashing and burning, depressed and losing your mind but He's still like not doing anything, what's the point in trusting and beliving? Guess I'm just cursed for life. Good night....

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true