Haiz...I just can't stop thinking of you no matter what I do. Everything I do just reminds me of you...haiz...wonder if you're even reading this or not. There's nothing for me to look forward to now. The future is just one big black dark brick wall. You used to be my becon of hope, my light at the end of every tunnel I was going through, now there is nothing. Life has no more meaning other then getting an education and earning money and waiting for the day I die. Don't even think death will solve all this problems for I don't even know what's gonna happend after I die. Maybe God has already cursed me for life.

Perhaps I should just get out of KL and go study at somewhere far far away. To start life anew. Studying in KL just has no more meaning. Feeling so helpless now...something I put my all in and it seemed like so real even when there was problems along the way but we made it through. Now it has been forcefully taken away from me and is forcing me to forget everything that I worked for like it didn't even exist.

When I try to please God, this is what I get. I get screwed up all of a suddent. I try to please God in our relationship and things just gets worse and worse. So what's the point now? I know I'm not perfect, I'm still human, I still make mistakes but what did I do so wrong to derserve this shit? All I wanted to do was give all the love and care I can to you unconditionally and please God in our relationship by looking more to Him in our daily walk but all that turned out was I get kicked around by both you and God. Just one time I was moody I get the boot.

All my life I really prayed for someone like you. Someone who would love me, care about me, and appericiates me. I know I'm difficult at times, I thank you for being there when I was difficult. But do you really see and understand what I was going through or it was just the right thing to do at that time. I gave you priority in almost everything, I tried my best to give you the best and be the best boyfried to you because I belived with all my heart that we can do it and God is there with us. Guess all this are just wishful thinking and I was building castles in the sky. Dreams don't come true, prayers don't get answered, and wishing upon a star is just a grand-mother's story.

Its not I want to be this way ok...I can't just let go and carry on with everything that is going on and everything that has been. The puzzle just don't fit. You were the one that made it fit. The Almighty who so called holds my life in His hands, who does the puzzle made you the connecting factor so I thought. Probably the only way to really move on is to throw away everything and start life anew which is throwing away you and God but I just can't bring myself to do it, especially forgetting you. I just can't throw away something that ment so much and really gave meaning to my life. I don't know if you noticed but after I screwed A-levels I really don't know what to do. I know I looked confident at times it was because there was you by my side who kept me from breaking down. Haiz...