So where to start...haiz...Do you belive in God? Is God really there or is He just an idea? Is it really God's work or is it just pure coincidence n luck/fate? If God's plans is so mysterious and can't even understand what is there to belive? Blind-faith?!?!? If you put all your trust in God and things just gets worse what's the pont? Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own uderstanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight". Sounds so comforting right....haiz....

Seriously when people ask me 'hows life?' 'hows life treating you?', I don't have a real answer. You know the saying when the time everything goes wrong everything else will eventually go wrong. God's will? Fate? Sometimes I even wonder if God is there or is He just lepaking with His angels. This might be a shock to some people to hear me saying this but this is how I feel now. Nothing fits together. Everything I read (including the Bible), everything I trust, and everything that has been going on just contridicts each other. So what's the point in trusting?

All my life I have been put down by people. Especially in my childhood days. I was always in my brother's shadow. I'm always known as 'Andrews's brother'. Was I suppose to be proud? One of the main reasons I choose to come to KL to study and not Singapore is because I wanted to really get out of my brother's shadow. I used to be bullied, called names. He didn't get any punishment until I retaliate and I get the punishment also. Where is the fairness in this freaking world. So eventually I learned to keep everything inside. Find other way to release the stress. It was ok at first but not a very good idea. Shit just will happend again.

So is that what everyone expects me to be? Someone always happy happy, keep quiet and don't retaliate when people walk over me scott free. I'm not expected to be angry is it or I'm not suppose to be angry at all and act like a robot without feelings when people step all over me? It just seems like when I keep my cool people just love to climb even higher over me. After my patience exceeds and I lose my cool I become the condemed instead of the person who wronged me. All those who does this to me don't act innocet, including my parents.

Anyway, I never felt appereciated my whole life until someone. All my life I prayed for someone like her. I thanked God for her. At all the points in my life, at the worse time He can take her away. I prayed, I begged, I fasted, I tried to make things better for God said that fait without works is dead. So what does it all ammount to? Things just go down hill, I crash and burn more. People told me this could be a spiritual battle. If it was the case and by the look of things, God lost hands down. He got served by the devil. I aint no Job, my faith is not as strong as Job, so stop telling me this could be like Job. People told me its in God plans. Guess He enjoys watching me crash and burn because He put it in His 'plan'. So if God's 'plan' is so mysterious and so hidden even when you're crashing and burning, depressed and losing your mind but He's still like not doing anything, what's the point in trusting and beliving? Guess I'm just cursed for life. Good night....

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
Thats coming true