Alright...think I really have to blog now. Too many things has been going through my head and I can't keep in there forever. Been reading through all my previous posts lately and I noticed alot of changes in myself, togheter with my life in general. So many changes until I sometimes don't even recognize myself now. Its really hard to wrestle with my thoughts every night before I fall asleep. On the outside when people look at me they would think that I've changed for the better but deep inside this change is bringing me alot of sadness and pain. There's just too many things going on which can't be explained by words but only by tears.

How much would I love to get my old life back. Ever since I came back to KL to study my whole life just turned 180 degrees. Everything is upside down now, things that I wanted to finally avoid is here. Life in UCSI was so much more meaningful and joyful each day and I can just be myself. Coming here is really like being in hell on earth. Everything is just screwed up and sucks. i don't really know how to put this in words but even to the extend of friendships I'm also quite unsure. I used to be easily adapted to the enviroment but this one I would really love to get out of it. I just can't get use to the culture and thinking of the people here. Its like I really don't fit in here. Its really total opposite of those from UCSI. Damn I miss UCSI...but now to go back there would just bring so many memories that hurt. I know there are people out there who truely care for me but there are some people I do feel like they are just using me for thier benefits. Behind their care and smiles there is a hidden agenda and after they have it they just leave until the need is there again.

Everyday now is just like I'm living a lie, living a life for God but the physical aspect is suffering like mad. How nice if we could just be like a computer in a way. Save the merories that we want in an external hard-drive while we reformat our life and put back only the things we want. Each day I go to college is like putting on a mask so that people do see that I seem ok. Guess this is just my curse. I really don't like to burden people with my burdens and I do try my best to pelease everyone and I'm too generous not only with money. Seems like its really my gift and curse. Its nice to help people out, to make them feel accepted and loved but deep down I'm just slowly cracking up. How can I expect other people to understand me when I can't even understand myself?

So at this point in my life, I'm indeed very confused. Confused about myself, about my life here and about my relationship. I never knew I can be so patient with things, even to things that break me down and bring me to tears. Where in the world did I get this patience from? Where is it coming from? I really don't know how long this could last. I'm just scared one fine day I would explode and all hell break loose again. I really don't know how to slove this but for now crying myself to sleep works to a certian extent. Haiz...